Deep in a lush jungle of life, past a bushel of perennial exes gone very wrong, just beyond the hangover hills, and to the left of the thick briar of bounced checks, lies a sacred dojo. A place of wisdom, a place of eternal learning, a space where courageous ninjas have trained for generations. Nestled in this heart of the dojo lives Mama Ninja, a wise, magisterial guide. She is the thread that connects all ninjas; she lives inside each of us. She’s the attentive voice, waiting patiently, answering kindly, inspiring nothing short of an inner revolution. She is ready for me to call upon her, ready to teach me the sacred, ancient precepts that will enable me to invoke my most evolved, potent self to become... a Ninja.
Ninja. A breed that lets the milk spill, the eggs break, and the truth erupt. A breed that looks Challenge right in the eye and asks her to dance. A breed that, simply put, is a member of the most select, fierce, and damn fine sisterhood to date.
Becoming a Ninja is a journey. The journey is a process. It is about being human. About being beautifully imperfect. Humorous. Real. A mountain can only be climbed by taking the first step. And it’s ok to take the first step and then fall. Or fail. Stumble, bumble, fumble. Or step ahead - even a few steps ahead - and then have to go back and retrace them all.
Becoming a Ninja isn’t ALL about self-exploration and inner journeying. Ninjas have plenty of fun too. Coming into this ancient sisterhood brings with it many advantageous and pragmatic perks as well. For instance, a Ninja can be in a crowd of hundreds and be understood only by her accomplice with the aid of "Ninja Speak," a secret language for warrior ears only... Here are a few examples you might hear around a "dojo" ("dojo" has more than one meaning in the Ninja tongue - in this instance it refers to a closely-knit group of Ninjas who trust, confide in, and share warplans only with each other):
Benny - a "friend with benefits." Example: "Yes, of course I’m stopping by my benny tonight. I’ve been extremely dehydrated as of late."
Dehydrated - a "dry spell," a bad streak of sexless life. Example: "It’s been seven months. I’m incredibly dehydrated. I’m almost ready to call last year’s benny."
Bonsai - a man who needs a lot of trimming, teaching, working on. Example: "He certainly is hot, but man, what a bonsai! I just don’t have that kind of time."
Flaccid - a man who takes the run of the mill "emotionally unavailable" to an award-winning status. Example: "I went all samurai on him when I found out he was yet another flaccid. I wonder what God put where his heart is supposed to be - a freezer??"
Going Samurai - losing your noodles on someone, going crazy mad. Example: "When she found out Mark was cheating on her AGAIN, she went all samurai on him. His friends are still giving him a hard time about that black eye!"
Haiku - like the short poem that is its namesake, a haiku is a relationship that is short-lived, never understood, and sorta irritating. Example: "Oh yes, Bob? Yes, some haikus are better left forgotton. I pray daily for total amnesia of that entire episode."
Sterile - an impeccably boring guy, a ninja most likely dates him because she wants her hair played with that week by someone inoffensive. Usually dropped in under a month, unless the sterile has a sumo. Example: "I just need a good sterile while I’m in the last stretch of my deadline."
Sumo - a man with very gifted proportions. (No example necessary in this definition.)
Wasabi - hot and spicy man. Example: "I don’t care if he does carry a man-purse. He’s totally wasabi!"
Potentials - the category of men who one would consider frollicking with. Example: "Stop by the party, there will be a bunch of potentials there!"
Sticky - suddenly finding yourself in a very peculiar social circumstance. Example: "When my ex walked into the bar with my old roommate it suddenly became very sticky."
I can’t reveal any other "Ninja secrets" right now... ( Well, actually that’s all I’ve thought of so far..)
And so, it is with great resolve, perseverance, and fortitude that I make the commitment to myself to understand that the enrichment of the self is of the utmost, vital importannce. From the center of the heart everything else spins out: love-life, career, productivity, family. During the flight of life I must put on my own oxygen mask before helping another. This commitment is for my growth, my passage into Ninjahood.
As I continue on my arduous journey, discovering and assimilating the ways of the Ninja, I will evince more elucidations, experiences, and expositions (sorry but I love alliterations) in "My Ninja Journey" journal.
Until next time... (i.e. my next episode of insomnia..)
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